A Joke every Day!

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Every day a new joke

Every day a new joke. Joanne, I'll write you a joke here every day as a reply so that you have something to laugh about in this dark world. You have brightened my world so much. I want to give you something back!

August 3rd 2024

Dear @jk_rowling, one day I will regret every second of my life I spent playing stupid games on my phone instead of texting you and making you laugh. I will tell you a joke. Let me think. Give me time, please. Or I will google or create a joke with AI. Coming soon.

August 3rd 2024

Without google and without AI 😅

Why do I have over 4,000 posts on Twitter? Because a post on Twitter can only be 120 characters long. That's like Hermione Granger writing an essay on confetti pieces from the last Gryffindor party in the common room. 

August 3rd 2024

Joanne, just right now I created two jokes myself by chance! My copyright!

Joke 1:

A couple is sitting in a restaurant and arguing so loudly that the other guests can hear it. The waiter then comes to their table and asks: "Have you decided yet?" The man answers: "Yes, I think we'll both move in her apartment and the dog will stay with her parents."

Joke 2:

Guests sitting on table in restaurant. Waiter: "Have you decided yet what you want to eat?" Guest: "We just can't decide! What's the kitchen's secret recommendation?" Waiter: "The restaurant on the other side of the street!"

Joanne, I'm done working for today. From now on, I'll send you at least one joke every day 🤗🥰❤️ It doesn't have to be made up by myself every time. Of course, I'll always mention where I got the joke from! Wish you a good evening. Love you. 

If I forget it one day, then I have to post the next day two jokes. 

August 4th 2024 (written by my own):

A bit mean but I just thought this up: When Harry freed the snake from the zoo, did the zookeepers, when they saw Dudley, say: "Since when do we have pigs and why does it wear a wig?"

August 5th 2024

Better a bad joke than no joke! The following joke is the best thing my brain has come up with today: 

What was the first complete sentence Draco Malfoy said as a child? I will tell this my father!

"What does Draco Malfoy say when his father mistreats him? "I'll tell the Dark Lord! And Dumbledore! And Snape and McGonagall! And Potter! And Granger and Greyback and everyone!"

August 6th 2024 (written by my own)

Lockhart: "Very good Hermione, correct answer. 10 points for all houses because I'm in a good mood today and want to make you all happy."

I created this joke a few years ago. It was Dumbledore but I think Lockhart is better. 

August 7th 2024

Joanne, I just asked a friend (my late-night shop seller) if he knew a good joke. He was silent. I said: "You can think about it for a moment.", and left the shop. Five seconds later I came back in. He immediately said: "If you look, you will find!". I laughed and said: "I like your humor! And let me guess: If you really want, you can do it!"

August 8th 2024

Written by my own.

Hey Joanne, I know the joke is old and has a longer beard than Dumbledore, but I thought of it today and I just couldn't think of a new one!

Normal day on the Harry Potter Movie-Set. Regisseur says loud: „Rowling!" And Joanne in the background says: „what?" And the Regiesseur says: „pssst. I mean camera is rolling. Okay again. Rowling! Rowling! Joanne? Can you please come for a moment, we need your opinion. Okay thank you, Rowling." - „No problem.“ - „pssss I said rolling! Okay, everyone on start position. One more time! Rowling! ROWLING!" - „WHAT?" - „Okay this is enough, please leave this area now! We will shoot this movie without you. Its impossible to have you here on set. Sorry Joanne. Sad coincidence, with your name. But we can show you the final movie, when it's finish. You are the first, okay? Don't be sad. But I am an Artist and I have my kind of working. We will send you pictures from the party tonight. Bye Joanne, good night, good drive to your home. And sorry again."

And than Joanne comes back with the security and the security man says: „I heared there is a problem, between you and Mrs Rowling?" The Regiesseur calls: „ROLLING?" He started to run in a circle.,,Rolling! Everybody on start position!“ - „Is the man insane?", asked the security man. „I don't know.", answered Joanne and scratched her head.

I think the following joke unfortunately only works in german:

Das Psychatrie-Magische-Turnier!

The Psychiatry-Magic-Tournament

Only together can we get out of here.

The third joke of the same day. I shouldn't waste my ammo so much 😅

Joanne, I just called a female friend who lives near me and whose street I just passed from the subway station on my way home. I called her and told her "I am on your street, dou you want to meet me?" I immediately thought of Harry Potter and Cho Chang when Harry said to Cho: "I will meet Hermione in one hour."

August 9th 2024

A friend of a friend just told me this joke

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Why are you pulling such a long face?

🙈

August 10th 2024

The evil voices in Harry's head say: "I will kill you!" The evil voices in MY head are saying: "Shut up!" (That's what they really say, in german: "Halt dein Maul!") I think there's an irony in the air that's worthy of a joke.

August 12th 2024 

Joanne, my boss once told me this joke: A man with a speech impediment (he can't pronounce the letter "B") goes into a bar. He wants to order a beer but can't pronounce the word so he orders a glass of water instead. He drinks the water and wants to try again. He goes to the bartender and says, "Hello, I'd like a B-B-B-B a glass of water." He drinks the second glass of water but still wants a beer. For the third time he goes to the bartender and says, "I'd like a B-B-B-beer!" The bartender's response: "Yes, would you like Becks or Budweiser?

August 12th 2024

Written by 'DeepAI' with the prompt: "Please tell me 10 jokes about Albus Dumbledore"

Why did Dumbledore bring a ladder to Hogwarts? Because he heard the wizarding world had its ups and downs!

August 15th 2024 

zensiert

Joanne now will come a joke that my mother told when I was a little child. Hold on. You will like it:

A group of women and a group of men are travelling by train to a conference. Each man has a ticket.

The whole group of women has only bought one ticket. The men just shake their heads and secretly look forward to the arrogant women getting a slap on the wrist.

Suddenly one of the women calls out:

"The conductor is coming!"

All the women jump up and squeeze into a toilet. The conductor checks the men. When he sees that the toilet is occupied, he knocks on the door:

"Ticket, please!"

One of the women slides the ticket under the door and the conductor leaves satisfied.

On the way back, the men decide to use the same trick. They only buy one ticket for the whole group and are very surprised when they realise that the women don't have a ticket at all this time.

After a while, one of the women calls out again:

"The conductor is coming!"

The men immediately rush into one of the toilets and lock themselves in.

The women make their way to the other toilet at a more leisurely pace. Before the last woman enters the toilet, she knocks on the men's door:

"Ticket, please!"

August 15th 2024 

Can't remember when or who told me this joke, I wrote it down myself:

A rhabbi, a priest and an atheist are sitting together in a small rowing boat on a lake. Suddenly they get hungry, but they don't have anything to eat with them. "No problem," says the priest, gets out of the boat and walks across the water to shore. He comes back with three delicious sandwiches from a gas station right on the shore. Then they get thirsty, but they didn't have anything to drink with them. "I'll do it," says the rhabbi, jumps out of the boat, walks across the water, just like the priest, and comes back shortly afterwards with three cans of lemonade. When they've finished eating, they feel like having an ice cream. "I'll do it!" says the atheist, jumps out of the boat and almost drowns. The rhabbi then says to the priest: "Sorry, we forgot to tell you where the stones are."

August 15th 2024 

I heard it years ago and found it in the Internet right now. Translated by Google from German to English 

Peter and God have agreed that in future they will only accept cases of particularly spectacular deaths. A short time later, a man knocks on the gates of heaven, Peter opens the door and says: "You know that we only accept special deaths, my son?"

The deceased then says: "Listen to my story: I always thought my wife was cheating on me. So I unexpectedly come home from work three hours early, run like mad up the seven floors to my apartment, tear open the door, search the whole apartment like a madman and lo and behold - on the balcony I find a guy hanging from the railing. So I get a hammer and hit the guy on the fingers full of dough. He falls down - lands directly on a bush and gets up again... 'the pig', I thought. I go back to the kitchen, grab the entire refrigerator and throw the thing off the balcony: 'HA! Direct hit!' My joy was short-lived, however - the extreme exertion and stress of the last few days caused me to have a heart attack and now I'm standing here." "OK," says Peter, "approved, come in." And opens the gates of heaven. Shortly afterwards, there is another knock on the gate. "Only exceptional cases!" says Peter. "No problem, I really am a special death," replies the deceased and begins to tell his story: "I'm doing my morning exercise on the balcony - like every morning - and I stumble over the crappy stool, fall over the railing and at the very last second I manage to hold on to the railing one floor below. 'My goodness...' I thought, what luck! I'm still alive.' Then suddenly a completely crazy idiot comes along and hits me on the fingers with a hammer, I fall, but land on a bush and think, 'THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! I've survived for the second time!' I look up - and that stupid fridge hits me!"

"OK," says Peter, "let's go to my heaven."

And there's another knock on heaven's door. "Only in exceptional cases," says Peter again. "No problem," says the deceased: "So... I'm sitting completely naked in the fridge after a hot session..."

August 15th 2024

I think the youth leader of a holiday group once told us and uses our real names. 😅 Found it in the Internet and translated it with google:

Men and the pink clouds

3 men go to heaven. God tells them not to step on a pink cloud because that would result in consequences! One day the first man comes to his friends and he has an extremely ugly woman by the hand! One of them asks him: "Oh my God! Where did you find her?" The man with the woman answers: "I stepped on a pink cloud!" The next day the second man also comes to his friends with an ugly woman, sighs and says that he also stepped on a pink cloud... The third man comes to his friends with a very pretty girl and they ask: "Where did you find her?" The woman answers: "I stepped on a pink cloud!"

August 15th 2024

A child without arms goes to it's mother and asks: "Mommy, can I have a cookie please?" The mother answers: "You know where the cookies are! On top of the kitchen cupboard!" The child says: "But Mommy, I don't have arms!" The mother says: "Well, no arms, no cookies!"

August 15th 2024

I'm in the supermarket right now and want to buy a beer. But given the queue at the checkout, I'm thinking about buying two instead.

August 18th 2024

I saw this joke as a video animation in the internet when I was a child. I found it as a text in the internet:

Blind Pilots Joke

 

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

August 18th 2024

I somewhere read this joke years ago:

A boy asks his mother: "Mum, can I go to a 50 Cent Concert?" The mother answers: "Here's 1€, take your brother with you!"

Hey @jk_rowling here are some jokes that I wrote many years ago. I no longer have access to the account to change anything. I should copy it to my new blog. I wrote everything myself. The jokes are further down. Unfortunately only in German. The film jokes are particularly funny:

https://aaaaaaaawdaswarjawichtig.blogspot.com/2022/05/best-of-spruche.html?m=1

20th August 

Joanne I will move the official Joke Collection to Blogger. com. Let me guess, you saw that comming 🤣

August 20th 2024

Written by my own some years ago:

Honey, I know we've been a couple for a long time now and I love you. And I'm embarrassed to ask you this now, but what's your name again?

August 24th 2024 Joanne, I made up this joke myself a few years ago. It's an extension of a scene from the movie 'Spiderman 1' Uncle Ben reads the job openings in the newspaper: "Computer technician, computer engineer, computer analyst. Do computers need analysts these days? Oh May, look! They're looking for someone for a farm! What's a render farm?"

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